America’s Next Top Model

Scientists have always relied on models -simplified renditions of reality- to help them understand, explain or predict. Over the past decades, more and more of these models have been replaced by digital versions, which are said to be more accurate and flexible. A few traditionalists remain sceptical, however, as computer models don’t always yield the desired outcomes. They still prefer to trust analogue models, like the Tecnodidattica Tecnoglobus, a detailed model of planet Earth about the size of a football.

Using this model, American scientists from Trump University have now proved beyond a doubt that the whole climate change thing is a lie. According to Professor Kolminasdottir ‘placing the model in a test chamber filled with carbon dioxide didn’t affect the world in any measurable way. And when we artificially heated the world, all coastlines, sea levels and ice caps remained unchanged. Only with temperatures well over 200 degrees did the world start melting. But we’d all be dead by then anyway, so that’s hardly relevant.’

Further studies revealed much greater and realer threats to our planet. Professor Kolminasdottir shivers as she recalls: ‘When one of my colleagues accidentally spilt some embers from his cigarette on Greenland, it burnt a crater in it the size of Hawaii. Also, when this same colleague accidentally shoved Earth off the table, it cracked on impact with the floor. So let’s just hope and pray God doesn’t smoke and doesn’t ever push us off the table for real.’

When confronted with the fact that all computer models show that climate change and its catastrophic consequences are no fairy-tale, she laughs. ‘Some of these computer models claim we’ll one day be eaten by a huge yellow monster. It’s all a load of humbug, trust us.’

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